And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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