when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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