whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
