go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
