OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
