That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
