since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
