just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
