This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
