i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
