Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
