Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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