Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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