This is not my ceiling
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize