at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
