Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
