Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
