Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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