idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dating After Heartbreak
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.