fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
