Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
