I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
