My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do vagina's smell?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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