just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize