he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
