I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize