...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I faked an abortion last night.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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