It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
whose parrot is this?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
