Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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