dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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