My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
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um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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