I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
