So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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