I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
