please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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