I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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