Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize