Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
