I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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