He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
