A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
