Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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