I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
