I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
