You just made me feel so damn special
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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