there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is the high leading the old right now
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
