Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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