He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
