I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
