The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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