I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
