I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
