I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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