dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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